Loch Ness Horror
release year: 2023
genre: underwater monster mayhem
viewing setting: home streaming 6/30/26
synopsis: After a submarine disappears, a ship is sent to find it...but not all is as it seems, and they aren't alone out there.
impressions: The existence and threat of the big monster is established early on, which is good. Then the nonsense begins. The main problem (for us) was that almost everyone spoke in thick accents and the streaming movie had no subtitles - so we literally didn't know what was happening most of the time. My wife even suggested that we mute the audio and just make things up ourselves, but we opted to try to understand the plot. The basic idea here is that some of these people are being tricked into a supposed rescue/fact-finding mission when the actual mission - known only to a select few - is to find the Loch Ness monster. Never mind that they're not in Loch Ness at all, but instead out in the open ocean; the filmmakers didn't let that stop them. Some other things of note: an underwater cage that's expected to protect a diver from something that they know already sunk a big submarine...a collection of baby missiles is found...the bulk of the film taking place at night means they don't have to show as much of the ship...a mini-sub...the monster fully reveals itself at the 36-minute mark...some sort of venom/spit attack that CAUSES THE VICTIM TO SPROUT A SMALL MONSTER FROM HIS BACK...a crablike mini-monster that has no logical relation to the giant monster...the power is out for reasons never made clear...the ship's alarm turns on and off at random times...nobody on the ship seems to know what they're doing.
confirmed body count: 6 humans (plus an entire submarine, early on)
acting: Unfortunately, between the thick accents, the always-loud background music, and the darkness...it was tough to know who was who. There was a main bad guy, a guy trapped in the mini-sub, a blonde woman who seemed to be allied with those two on the secret mission, a cute main protagonist woman and her apparent boyfriend who's the other main protagonist, a buxom diver woman who quickly becomes fish food despite the aforementioned underwater cage, a bearded crew member who was always nauseous and whose function was never made clear. It was really hard to tell any of the others apart. Honestly, when the monster snatches someone off the ship's deck and the viewer doesn't even know who it was, that's bad.
final word: Barely-passable giant monster cheese.
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